Being in your 20s is hard man! It’s being at the peak of your youth, sexuality and there is just this virility vibrating inside you that you try to either tame or let it consume you. But that´s the thing about being in your 20s is that you are never prepared for the kind of responsibilities or evolution that is taking place at that time, trust me I do call it evolution because it’s a more fitting description of the transformation that is taking place in your life and the struggle to seem like you have it all together and you are an actual ‘Adult’.
To me being in your 20s is much more different than being in your late teens, meaning 18 and 19 because at that point people are willing to be tolerable of your ‘childish’ behavior, they will even smile to themselves and say, ¨She is still a child.¨ When you reach your 20s you expect to start figuring things out and you plan this life to a tee, I mean nobody tells you that you will eventually get there but it won’t take five years as you thought but most probably even 10 years or more, that gradual process is an actual thing.
I mean don’t get me wrong I’m still figuring things out also and sorry to disappoint you but this is not ‘ten ways to figure out your life or how to be a millionaire in two weeks’ The thing is you just have to understand the kind of evolution that is taking place in your life and be accepting of the kind of person you are at that moment or try to make way for the new version of yourself. Your personality, character and behavior will change, I really don’t think the word mature really defines the kind of change that takes place in someone.
Ladies and gentlemen lets talk about the mental toll that happens in your 20s and these mostly sums up the things frustrating you, mental trauma and the effects of trauma on your reasoning, I mean this is the highlight of your 20s, the psychological torture that you go through of things not happening or moving faster as you would like, the deep frustration of not being able to cater to your most basic needs and the peak of it all is constantly asking yourself what to do to actually achieve the life you envision.
My point is that you have already figured who you are and what you want at this point and at this moment, that’s what matters and maybe next year you are going to realize that you do not only want to move into a nicer house but you want to actually build your own house, it’s not a matter of ‘I really don’t know what I want’ but what you want at that moment or that month and evolving slowly into realizing bigger goals. I think the problem is that most of us are so caught up in our future self that we completely ignore who we are now.
This figuring out your life thing is a slow process of you getting to know yourself and I don’t think it is something we do in our 20s only but also in our 30s, 40s, 50s and so on, it is not meant for it to be something that only happens once in a life time but something dynamic and maybe complicated.
I remember the 1st time that i had my hair shaved, i was just in class five, and my mother is the one who took us to the mtu wa kinyozi, it was my younger sister and i, and masque throughout the whole journey to the kinyozi man, we just thought she was bluffing and we will probably end up in a salon to get some ‘ mlazo’ since it was still school period, and yes we followed her like the sacrificial lambs we were , i still wonder why i dint run for my life that day, like seriously , even when we reached the kinyozi…..my sister and i dint put up any fight, we just sat on those chairs still thinking she was bluffing and maybe that day tungesukwa kwa kinyozi. Most of the times I dont remember most of my childhood experience clearly, but that day i just remember it like its branded at the back of mind. My little self was seated there guilessly as the kinyozi man ran that machine on my head, and i remember a part of me was relieved ,sad and ashamed at the same time that i was no longer a girl without that hair, and a part of me wanted to scoop my hair and take it with me….to convince myself that i still had my hair .I know most of you will probably ask if i was mad at my mother, i really dont remember the feeling of being mad but i was scared of how i was going to explain myself to my friends , or if maybe i could hide my head until my hair grew…But what worried me the most was ,my life at school, it was a private school that i had just joined that year and i was already having a hard time making friends ( like i had 0 to none friends) .I really hated school as a child ( each time , school opened i felt like giving myself as sacrifice to Luanda Magere).Anyway the school was a mission school though it had indian nuns, i know you are wondering why i felt the need to say that but it is crucial in my shaved hair story.
I remember it was on a weekend when my mother made that decision to destroy my ‘ social life’, anyway her reason was that , she was preparing us for the boarding school we were going to join the next year. The next day i went to play , though i wore a cap because there is no way i was going to let my friends see me with my shaved hair , i actually wasnt worried about my friends, i was more concerned about this boy i was crushing on seeing me , he was slightly older than me, the crush was one sided (though i shuku he also liked me, so lets count it as one and half) , though i had to remind myself to keep an eye on his younger brother , we were frenemies , the guy was always looking for reasons to fight with me.Suprisingly my friends got over the shock that i had shaved , and we moved on to other things , well for my crush, i dont know, maybe he got over it.
I never really liked it when i had my hair shaved, my confidence pummeled down and i would constantly find myself hiding behind my classmates any time the teacher wanted to choose a student to answer a question, i had this fear that the teacher will point me out and say ‘ yes boy’, so i never raised my hand during such occasions .But one day i did , the head of the school came to our class, she liked to do that , so that she could monitor the progress of the students , she was called Sister Mary , anyway she asked a question , i raised my hand so fast , and wallah!! i was choosen but my worst fears came true at that moment , she pointed me out and said ‘ yes , that boy over there’ at that moment i shrunk in within myself but i answered the question as much as i felt humiliated ,she did realize her mistake because of my voice and apologized that minute ( just to point out, she dint call me a boy with malicious intent,it was a honest mistake).She went on talking and asking questions, when she was almost leaving , she asked one more question, and this time, my hand shot up as i was confident that , she now knows i’m a girl , i was choosen but once more it was ‘ that boy over there’ , she was pointing at me , i was stunned,mortified and for minute there, i looked behind me and beside me, to confirm that she wasnt pointing at me, unfortunately it was me, i answered the question but my spirit was down and at that moment,i swore never to raise my hands to answer any questions .I think at that moment i felt like my gender and identity was stripped away , and i really dint know how to explain to my mother that i needed to grow my hair back because it made me a girl, its what made me feminine and it was going to make the teachers call me a girl instead of a boy , i wanted to tell her, that i wanted my confidence back.I do remember thats how i felt.
The next year came, and my two sisters and i joined the boarding school, it was located in Nyanza. I remember the day my sisters and I were admitted, when i saw the other girls had shaved hair, what came across my mind was “atleast, no one will confuse me for a boy”.The school was a girls’ school and it was mandatory to shave, it was also a mission school, headed by kenyan nuns.Anyway later on i learnt, we were shaving our hair because growing our hair will distract our learning process and we will focus more on how our hair is beautiful or how it makes us beautiful .I liked the school, because i had friends, everybody was friendly, we were all in each others business and most importantly we only had each other , most of my vivid memories is teaching each other about menstruation , how our body will develop and suprisingly we also talked about crumps, we were in class six, and at that age ,puberty is expected to hit , the best part about this is, it wasnt a negative talk, it was more like ,this are things that are bound to happen to your body and you have to embrace it. I do appreciate those girls upto now, because when i started my periods in highschool, i was more mentally prepared and happy, though the menstrual crumps was no joke .In that school, i did regain my confidence and i was no longer worried about if someone will mistake me for a boy , though everytime the school closed , i would get anxious over fitting in with kids at home, and i remember willing a miracle to happen to my hair to grow as i bordered a bus from school to Nairobi , well the news is , that miracle never happened, so i just stopped going outside to play , though at that moment i felt like i had outgrewn the notion of playing, since at school , we never played, our free time involved feeling home sick and talking about our family, bragging about our sisters and brothers (it was a competition of who had a cooler sister and brother, and you can only win that battle once your sister or brother came to visit), we also talked about life, we salivated on the foods we will eat once we got back home and how we will overeat too.
But despite all that , we all fantasized about growing our hair and how when we joined highschool, we will grow our hair , and when the time came to choose the highschool that one would like to join, we were all careful to choose a highschool that allows growing and plaiting of hair.Deep down , none of us was confident with our shaved hair and we thought we could only fit in as girls if we grew our hair.
Fast forward to highschool,my dream came true and i was called in a highschool whereby shaving wasnt mandatory , you could plait or keep it short, as long as it was neat .Suprisingly despite promising myself how i will grow my hair , I decided to keep my hair short , i guess it was easy for me to maintain and at that point i had no qualms about it , but i still had that staggering fear that i dint look good in short hair or feminine enough whenever i went home, so each time the school closed for holidays , i would plait my hair , it never really mattered whether it grew or not, what mattered the most is that , i had those braids as a security blanket, they made me feel whole and beautiful. .Well when it came to school funkies or outings , i never really participated that much, i was always more concerned where my next novel willl come from and who will i convince we exchange novels with. But during funkies or any school outings, you would see girls running around and blow drying their hair till it cooperated for her to hold it in a ban at the back of her head or in the middle of her head , we used dichuns as a slang for short hair that has been man handled to cooperate that way.This made me think of how , in our ripeful youth, we convinced ourselves , that a boy will only come for you , when he sees that you have a hair that fits into a hairband .
After highschool, i truly swore to myself that i would grow my hair , to prepare myself for university , i did grow my hair , only enough for it to fit into a hairband and hold, it never really grew past that, but i was satisfied with it anyway , as long as i could plait it anyhow i wanted or style it anyhow i wanted , and at that moment i felt i was happy but i was still insecure about it because it wasnt long like i wanted it to be. I did join university, and i felt like i had everything a university girl is expected to have in this life , to me , it felt like nimefika kikomo ya maisha, what more could i want in this life , if i had hair , i felt beautiful and feminine at that moment . My people , you couldnt convince me at that time that i’m not a woman.
The funny part about my hair at that time ,is that it used to have a lot of breakages, and i remember each time i went to the salon, i would get embarrased and start explaining myself to the salonist why my hair is long in the front while at the back, it looks like i had shaved my hair, and on several occasions , i would catch myself lying that i had actually shaved my hair at the back of my head. I did continue putting straineous hairstyles on my hair ,that eventually would always damage my hair.
Around second year , i decide to trim my hair, the same hair that i had mistreated since highschool and hence it just grew a few inches, after trimming my hair , i graduated to wigs , so that i could give my hair, time to grow , i really monitered it everyday, to make sure its growing.
When i trimmed my hair, it was very short , and each time i looked myself in the mirror, it was like i was looking but not really looking at myself , i would look from my forehead going upwards because to me it wasnt really who i wanted to be and i had this crippling fear that i would see that little girl that was mistaken for a boy , and i was fine overlooking myself for so long.
My hair eventually grew but it still had the same problems as last time, it had alot of breakages, but this time atleast i could hide it in a wig and i dint have to go to the salon to explain myself .
Then that day came, the day i awakened , the day i saw myself, the day i really looked in the mirror and fell in love with that girl i had been punishing for so long , it was a sort of euphoria , i felt high like i have never felt , i felt relieved of all the burden i carried in form of that hair that i used as a security blanket .All this happened in a Kinyozi in Wanyee Road .Prior to this i remember being fed up of having to wear a wig and putting up with a hair that had a lot of breakages . I was angry at my hair ,and as my sister (bless her) accompanied me to the kinyozi , i had this hope that maybe my hair just needs time to recuperate.But when we reached the Kinyozi , i dint want to back out .At the back of my mind i knew this is a step i needed to take so as to get in touch with that inner child , i needed to concur it.
As i sat in that chair , it felt like i was redoing the past , but i still wasnt confident , i was still worried of whether i would look like a boy, so i did what i was good at , i overlooked myself once more , but for the last last time because when the barber was done ,i accidentally looked up and saw myself for the first time, and i was shocked .I touched my face and kept turning my head from side to side , smiling like a lunatic . Only i could feel the turning point in my life, my sister and the Kinyozi man were just an unaware audience to all this . In that moment , i took a part of my confidence that i felt i had left years ago in the Kinyozi .
My inner child was so proud of me , and as i walked out of that Kinyozi , i left holding her hand feeling relieved , happy and complete for the first time in my life , because years ago i had walked leaving her sitting in that Kinyozi’s small corner as she scrambled to save her hair, and for years she sat there with those hair as she just waited .
It was just around September last year when that happened , and i’m still on a journey of loving myself with or without hair, learning to care for it , being patient with it ,and also learning to get to know my hair .The thing is ,all this time i never realized that i even had that insecurity .I have managed to concur most insecurities since i was a child, but this is one insecurity that i never managed to notice.
I’m not writing this to tell you to shave your hair so as to get in touch with yourself .This is just my story , and for so long i have realized that majority of girls and women have this insecurity with their hair, and as hair products keep evolving ,the more we keep rejecting our natural hair , the more we feel it doesnt fit into that equation of evolution . Evolution of hair has come a long way, i remember when i was a child, i would admire my big sister’ s hair because it had chemical in it and i couldnt wait to grow up a few inches so that i could also beg my mother to put chemical in my hair . But as an adult , i have come to love my hair just the way it is , its kinky , it has a soft texture,its low density and it is not fully back, it has this dark brown colour to it.
As Kenyan girls, we have been taught that our hair is beautiful only when its in braids , weaves or wigs , and our natural hair only qualifies to be beautiful if its straightened and long . But i’ m here to tell you that , you hair is beautiful whether its short , long or medium . Love your natural hair before you go ahead and love that weave , wig or braids .Understand your hair as it is and stop taking unsolicited advises from anyone about how to tame your hair. Treat your hair like a living thing and not like its not part of you, its just there,along for the beauty ride . Know what products works for your hair so that it may look healthy rather than just striving for it to be long . Use sulphate free shampoo and conditioner and more natural oils like shea butter , coconut oli, argan oil , almond oil etc, use that wooden comb instead of plastic comb and use that satin bonnet instead of that cotton stockings when sleeping .Care for that hair because its part of your body and identity , so that we may not pass such insecurities to our children unawarely . Last but not least , care for those edges sis!! and stop letting salonist pull every part of your hair in the name of being neat.
This is for that little girl who is waiting to grow up, this is for that teenager who wants a relaxer for her hair , this is for that young lady who is admiring that wig and this is for that woman who strives to get that salary every month so that you can plait or weave your hair so as to fit in at work. Love that natural hair , short or long before you love that wig , weave or braid.
Thank you for reading my article. Always stay tuned for more.
What did she do! ,who told her to do that!,She probably deserved it!,She brought it upon herself ! ,something is wrong with her! Yeye si mwanamke kamili! ,Its her fault !, She was weak! ,Hawezi zalisha! ,She did this ,She did that ,She! She! She! ……She is a woman!
We have all been caught saying those words as we shift blames on a woman who has had the misfortune of being a victim of something, I know the wheels are turning in your head saying “I don’t think we really do that….!” ,and you are trying to find a reason to justify why you did that. Such things make me think of how the moment a girl is born ,the society judges her and declares her guilty .
I have read several articles about rape and each of those articles always advises women, inorder to avoid being raped ,we shouldn’t walk in dark places and to also avoid wearing provocative clothes, not knowing the kind of blame they are shifting across to a rape victim mentality ,hence encouraging and justifying the act of raping itself ,leading to lack of accountability from the rapist .Each and every time a woman has been raped ,majority of the people will conclude that ,she was either dressed provocatively or she was walking in an unsafe area .The mere justification that us women are sexual beings and therefore we should be ashamed and cover our body because it drives men to uncontrollable urges and animalistic behaviours such as raping ,cat calling and sexual harassment ,is a scam itself. Several cases of old women and young children being raped have been reported,nobody wants to address that these victims didn’t wear provocative clothes or walk in dark places to warrantee such experience. To me a rapist is a rapist ,and no circumstance like ‘woman wearing a provocative cloth’ turned him into that person .People assume rapist are individuals who are lowlife or outcast from the society ,but they are actually, just ordinary people like relatives ,teachers ,lawyers ,guardians and maybe your boyfriend or husband.
We need to stop victim blaming ,we need to stop blaming women for falling prey to such predatorial acts. And when i’m talking about blame ,i’m not just talking about only men playing a part in shifting the blame to women who fall victims to such sexual offenses ,i’m also talking about those women who blame such victims and going to the extent of saying ‘she deserved it’ ,’she brought it upon herself’
Domestic abuse has also been on the core of women receiving blame from it as well as no justice when they go to court.Women have been blamed for actually causing a beating from a husband or boyfriend ,and even after the victimized women die due to such violence ,people still blame her for staying in such a relationship ,going to an extend of calling her weak for not leaving .What people don’t care to inquire about is who is the abuser? These kind of offenders don’t receive the same kind of attention that abused receive .And its so sad ,that in some cultures ,domestically abusing a wife is seen as a form of love “sisi wakalenjin bwana akichapa bibi kila siku inamaanisha anampenda” .For so long ,domestic abuse has been normalized and even seen as a sort of requirement for married men to participate in ,so as to show the wife her place in the house ,which basically means under him. I will go ahead and just quote Chimamanda Adichie Ngozi “A husband is not a headmaster. A wife is not a school girl ”
We need to stop excusing an abusers action and we need to end such direction of questioning :’what did she do?’ because its not the victim’s fault.
As women,we are conditioned and presurred by the society from a young age,that our whole purpose and our major price in this life is marriage ,the idea that ,that’s the only thing that can make a woman complete in the eyes of the society is unfair and irrational .Unfortunately ,this has led to women being blamed for failed marriages and relationships ,based on the argument that, ‘marriage ni kuvumilia’ which basically means ,the woman holding the relationship together while receiving harsh judgement from the society because of her cheating spouse and being the cause of it as well .The absurd reason surrounding a cheating husband or boyfriend is always how apparently ‘the woman is inadequate as a woman’ ,which excuses the cheating husband/boyfriend actions,hence just turning him into a serial cheater who is unable to take responsibility of their actions.
We need to stop the train of thought ,that a woman is the cause of a failed marriage/relationship and maybe other women will stop falling prey to married men antics of how he dint marry the right kind of woman ,and the rest of the lies they tell you to get into your pants.
The society rejects the idea of a man being inadequate or vulnerable in any way ,so that’s why ,since time itself,women have always been blamed for childlessness in the marriage .The notion that a man is impotent is rejected ,and even thought to be shameful by the society ,which brings the question of shifting blame to the woman by the in-laws ,even though the woman is not barren. The society is more welcoming to the idea of shaming and shunning a woman ,than doing that to a man.
Technology has been a miracle worker ,and through it ,couples who are having trouble conceiving have been able to get to the root cause of the issue ,hence knowing the solution to take after knowing where the problem lies, but still ,men need to come to terms with the fact that they are allowed to be vulnerable because its human ,and being impotent doesn’t mean ,you are less of a man.
Do you all remember Sauti Sol’s song Nereah “Mungu akileta mtoto ,analeta sahani yake.” We were all there when they sang it ,and we sang to it also ,waiting to belt out the Nereaaaaah! part.This raises the issue of pregnancy and when it is deemed tabooo especially if a woman isn’t married.
Pregnancy is beautiful ,but some circumstances have turned pregnancy into something women should be ashamed of. Alot of women ,have been judged harshly for ending up pregnant and a man being absent in the picture ,with the reminder of that she was warned not to get pregnant .What really baffles me is that ,nobody takes their time to sit down their sons ,to tell them ,if you get a woman pregnant ,it is your responsibility to step up and care for your child ,and don’t get a woman pregnant if you are not ready to be a father. The kind of behaviour and culture that we encourage of :a boy is allowed to be a boy until the day he decides he is man while a girl is not allowed to be anything less of a woman,needs to be changed.
The culture of encouraging men to birth several children without taking responsibility for them has diminished the sacredness that is involved with making of a child ,hence making it more of an act rather than a miracle.
What we need to remember is ,its not a woman’s fault for a man falling short on his responsibilities, as well as change on the concept surrounding the inability of a single mother to raise a child and the child to turn out right.
A child belongs to a woman and a man ,not a woman only .
The beast of a burden that a woman is saddled with for being a woman is not only suffocating but also painful .The society only labels you to be a woman if you allow to be shamed ,mistreated ,blamed ,become voiceless ,as well as being praised for the amount of pain you can take ,as if that pain qualifies you to be a women.
Its not right ,its not humane and there is no justification for a woman to be burdened when the society decides to fall short.
Women exist in relation to the whole society ,not in relation to men.
If I asked you today ,whats a woman’s and man’s role in the society? ,how would you answer. I think this is the most unanswered question and we go all throughout our lives trying to figure it out as well as answer it ,the way you answer It may determine a lot about your beliefs,values and I guess the mark that you will live in the world .But most of the the time or majority of the time, society answers that question for us ,without giving the room to be disputed or to question it.
So a few days ago ,I was having this heated conversation with a friend of mine,and It was mostly based on gender roles ,the conversation was about why should a man wash utensils and cook while its the work of a woman? Am going to answer this question the way I argued my point to him.
From the day we are born to the day we leave our parent’s/guardian’s house we try to acquire skills that will enable us to survive in the world when we go out there, and to me cleaning,cooking and washing is a skill that each and every adult should have or atleast try to learn,so my friend’s argument was based on the logic that according to assigned gender roles ,men are not supposed to cook or clean at all.
Times are really changing ,and what worked for us 50years ago is no longer working now or such traditional expectations are irrational and holding unto them can even derail you as a person, and I think most of young kenyan men try to hide behind the statement ‘according to tradition’ by masking their irresponsibility. Majority of the men will likely defend themselves during breakups by saying ‘huyo dem hakuwa wife material’ which generally means ,she didn’t cook ,clean or wash for me ,which led to such women being referred to as ‘slay queen’ .
Such statements have led to women being dragged throughout social media by being made to feel inadequate for who they are. The idea surrounding gender roles has led to men looking for substitute maids rather than a partner ,the man wants someone who can take care of him ,similarly the way his mother did. Such negativity surrounding women who are not ready to be used as substitute maids in a relationship or marriage ,doesn’t address the traditional roles for men. When I was arguing with my friend ,I told him ,”if you are thinking in terms of traditional roles of women ,you should also think in terms of your traditional roles as a man ,because your role as a man traditionally is to provide a stable home .”
Societal expectations pressures a woman to immediately perform her role when in a relationship, which generally means cooking and cleaning but what it doesn’t address is the role of a man . I asked my friend how would he react when he starts dating a lady and immediately the 1st month of the relationship she tells him to pay her rent or grocery ( I think he immediately came into his senses after this statement) ,I continued by telling him that most men will react by calling the woman a ‘golddigger’
What am trying to drive at ,is that gender roles should be shared between men and women 50/50 ,when a husband loses his job ,its the wife’s duty to provide for the family by covering the husband’s 50% ,when the wife is sick ,its the husband’s duty to care for the family by covering the wife’s 50% of house chores.
The society is built around a man’s world by promoting patriarchal mentality ,but we also have to realise its our duty to question the society as well as critic it by not surrendering on our beliefs.
The idea of there being a right kind of woman is both unfair and false .The truth is that any individual who has been assigned the female gender is a real woman
I wish I could tell you that I am so full of content as I write this blog ,but I’m not ,my thoughts are scrambled and I’m really anxious about a lot of things you know .All I know is that I have got this thing weighing heavily on my heart that I know I need to get it out ,truth to be said I don’t know whether its words or emotions.
But that’s the thing about words and emotions ,they are so intertwined that you don’t know where one begins and where one ends ,I mean there is not enough words that can be used to express the depth of emotions and there is not enough emotions that can be used to understand words.
Am sorry am not using this post to address a serious issue ,but for today and for my first blog post, I just wanted to be selfish and do something for my sanity , and no am not depressed ,its just that today my soul is weighing heavily on me.
The truth is ,I’m unsure of this step in my life ,all I know is that I needed to take this first step, and one thing about first steps is that they are never easy ,all you’ve got to do is keep climbing and never face the facts under any circumstances.